GOOD QUESTION
Was I Wrong To Object When My Boyfriend Revealed He Has Not Been Rinsing Sauce Off My Pasta, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Was I Wrong To Object When My Boyfriend Revealed He Has Not Been Rinsing Sauce Off My Pasta As I Asked Him To?
I have always been a picky eater especially when it comes to tomatoes. Ever since I was a kid my dad would make my spaghetti different from the rest of the house. I like having an essence of the sauce flavor on the noodles but not the overpowering flavor having noodles bathed in sauce creates. So, here's where it gets a bit odd, my dad would separate my spaghetti from the families after putting the sauce on and then would rinse the sauce off with the sink and strainer. I love noodles like this as it is a nice subtle tomato vibe given to the mild spaghetti.
My (20) boyfriend (26) has known about this since we first started dating. He always told me my food habits were cute. We have been dating for almost three years now and moved in together at the beginning of the pandemic so we could be in lock down together. Ever since we moved in together he insisted on taking charge of cooking and all cooking related tasks (dishes, grocery shopping, etc) and he assigned me the role of cleaning the bulk of the apartment. We split other tasks pretty much 50-50 too.
Everything was perfect and he always SEEMED so be making noodles the way I liked them when we had them. This was until last week when we last had spaghetti. We ate and everything was good but afterwards he started teasing my saying things like, "you really like your pasta with an 'essence' of tomato" and "how was your tomato 'essence' babe?" Always using finger quotes around the word essence. After a few comments I felt something was off and asked him if he had done anything differently with tonight's noodles than he usually does and he started laughing. When he finally stopped laughing he told me the whole truth while smirking. He said "I didn't do anything different than I USUALLY do. I have never been making it the way you have requested".
Apparently the entire time we've been living together he's just been skipping the pasta sauce on my noodles entirely! He claimed that if I didn't notice for this long then it shouldn't matter that he is making dinner in a way that is easier for him. I disagree entirely. I think the lying was a huge breach of trust and so was the refusal to make dinner how I wanted. I have admittedly been acting passive aggressively to him since, but he thinks he did nothing wrong, that I'm overreacting, and that I need to let it go. AITA?
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit argue that the letter writer and the boyfriend have both behaved badly, in different ways: “You because you're just wasting food by literally washing sauce off when it CLEARLY doesn't leave an ‘essence,’” one of them writes. “Him for his weird trickery.” Read the rest of their answers.
Was It Normal For My Boss To Accuse Me Of Screwing Him Over When I Got Covid And Needed To Take Some Sick Days?
Three years ago, I was hired at my current company to do office admin/billing stuff. At that time, there were three employees (we are a very small local branch of a large international company). When I came on, they quickly discovered that I was able to handle a higher workload than my predecessor and had me train so that I can do all functions of every job in our office... Long story short, I can (and have) run the office completely on my own. Nobody else in the office, including my manager, can say that…
A year later, Covid hit and upended everything. We downsized from three employees to two, even with a much higher workload than we had previously... I was alone most of the time at the office, holding down the fort while everyone else was at home… Then 2021 happened, and that caused even more issues. Our parent office (3-1/2 hours away in another state) lost most of their employees in an important department, so management asked me to travel to that office and help with the workload. Every other week for seven months. In addition to my existing workload. Then I was asked to not only take on their workload, but to train the new employees. So I did. At that time, I was not given a raise or anything in the way of additional compensation for all of the extra work I was doing — just vague promises of a raise to come later on…
They did eventually give me a promotion, but I was not promoted to the level I was told I would be, so that was additionally frustrating. They framed it as “management can’t promote you too high, too quickly, or there will be nowhere for you to go in a few years.” … Then they called me a few weeks ago and asked me to travel to them again to train more new hires. I went without question or hesitation. I contracted Covid on that trip and two days after returning home, I was sick... I found out I was positive on a Saturday, and immediately texted my boss to let him know…
I got no response from him at all. I texted my other boss in the head office the next day to let them know as well, because I was afraid they might have been exposed, and because I had told them I would assist with one of their employee’s vacations that week. All I got in response from that manager was “wow.”
The next morning, Monday, my boss called me like he usually does, seemingly thinking I was going to be working as usual. I told him no, I had Covid, I couldn’t work. HR called me and I sent them my positive test and again, thought that was the end of it.
Two days later, I got an angry text from my boss, asking if my computer was broken and why I wasn’t working. I was shocked and just told him no, I have Covid. I’m at home, sick. He responded that I was “screwing him over” and he couldn’t believe me… [H]e did the same exact thing the next day — he texted and went off on me for not working, and when I asked why he was acting like this and again stated that I was sick, he called me to personally tell me I was “f^&%ing him over.”
I hung up in tears and called HR. I told them an abbreviated version of what had happened, and she told me that management was “disappointed in me” and that I had “left them hanging” by not working. I was so shocked and hurt by this all that I hardly slept that night, and the next day, I logged on and worked from home. My bosses have never acknowledged any of this or apologized, and I know my boss thinks he did nothing wrong.
I am ready to find a new job over this... I feel completely undervalued and taken advantage of…
When I have shared this story with people, I have gotten reactions ranging from “BURN ALL THE BRIDGES” to “eh, that’s just business. you should try to understand their perspective.” So I hope you and your readers can weigh in on this and tell me if you think I am being unreasonable, or if they did in fact behave as badly as I feel they did. How do I navigate this moving forward?
Alison Green begs the letter writer to get a new job and leave these terrible bosses behind. “They have taken advantage of you every step of the way,” she writes. “And now when you get sick — while doing extra work for them, no less — they act as if you’re betraying them by being ill? The audacity blows my mind.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Married Friends, Who Are Letting Me Live With Them For Free, To Stop Being Affectionate With Each Other?
I’m in a difficult situation. I lost my job as a result of my boyfriend showing up at my workplace and behaving crazily. Then I lost my home when I finally broke up with him after realizing I’ve been dealing with years of emotional and financial abuse from him. My friends “Charlotte” and “Jane,” a married couple, have been lifesavers and invited me to stay in their spare room while I get back on my feet. I want to be clear that I am incredibly grateful to them. However, I am starting to lose my mind living with them, and need advice on how to cope until I’ve got new work and can get out of here.
Out and about, they never display physical affection and don’t act “couple-ish” in general. In their house, however … oh my God, it is nauseating. I’d never stayed with them long enough for them to start acting the way they must do normally when on their own before this, so I had no idea that they kiss and cuddle ALL THE TIME, call each other cutesy nicknames (“doll,” “sweetness,” etc.), and have about a dozen stupid rituals. For example, Charlotte always cooks a huge breakfast for Jane on Saturday, and Jane prepares some over-the-top romantic meal for them on Sunday, complete with candles. They buy each other flowers so often that the place is like a greenhouse. They compliment each other multiple times a day (think “You look gorgeous!” and “You look so hot in that!”). I have walked in on them literally waltzing around the kitchen on more than one occasion, although at least they stop that when I come in.
I’m not a big PDA person anyway, but I am especially not feeling romantic vibes at this time in my life. I went the last three years taking “compliments” from my ex-boyfriend such as “You look less fat in that” and had flowers bought for me exactly once, when he was apologizing for cheating. Watching Charlotte and Jane gushing about one another and waltzing around is both upsetting and aggravating. I once made a comment to the effect of “Could this level of romance be moved to the bedroom, maybe?” and Jane responded by saying I was free to go to my room if it bothered me. When I mentioned to Charlotte (who I’m closer to than Jane) that it’s hard for me being around intense couple stuff at the moment, she was more understanding and dialed things back for a few days. Then Valentine’s Day came and, well, you can imagine. Everything reset and the place was full of roses for a week.
The last time I snapped and made what I’ll admit was an unproductive comment about feeling like I was living in a rom-com, Jane basically called me homophobic for telling a gay couple to dial back their affection for my comfort. I defended myself that I would feel exactly the same if I was around a straight couple like this, but I ended up apologizing when Charlotte started crying — she has dealt with a lot of homophobia from family and was once assaulted for kissing a girlfriend in public, so I appreciate this is a sensitive topic for her. Nonetheless, I hate living like this. We’ve made up now and they’re back to their usual loved-up selves. I know I just need to move out ASAP, but can you advise on 1) how to deal with this without starting another fight until then, and 2) whether there is anything else I can possibly say to them about this?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris strongly discourages the letter writer from bringing this up with Jane and Charlotte again. “You know that room they’re letting you stay in for free? Go into it and close the door behind you,” she writes. “This is the part of Charlotte and Jane’s house where you get to control what you see and hear, and where you can reasonably ask people to stop behaviors that annoy you.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Former Friend, Whose Wedding I Skipped Even Though She’d Helped Me A Lot With My Wedding, That I Miss Her?
My former best friend, “Annie,” was my maid of honor when I got married about 20 years ago and did a lot to make that wedding a success. When Annie got married 12 years later, I had two young children and couldn’t be as involved as she had been for my wedding. Since her wedding was child-free — no children younger than 12 — and babysitters were scarce, in the end we couldn’t even be there.
I had asked Annie to consider a more child-friendly wedding, but she took offense and pointed out that my own wedding had been child-free. I tried to explain the difference — most of her friends now had children younger than 10. But she couldn’t see reason and froze out three of us, all with children, who missed her wedding after she’d done so much for us. And I admit she did a lot: threw showers, ran errands, made centerpieces, decorated receptions, the works.
Our friendship didn’t really survive her hurt feelings, and other than social media, we don’t interact these days. I miss her and would like to renew the friendship. Where do we even start? Can I just say I miss her and go from there, without rehashing the past?
Carolyn Hax advises the letter writer to apologize to Annie without expecting anything in return. “[Y]ou greeted her turn for friends to celebrate her by … asking her to sacrifice herself for you again,” she writes. “And when she said no, as she was fully entitled to, you didn’t take no for an answer and tried to correct her thinking to your advantage. Then no-showed her.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Reach Out To The Woman I Abandoned 48 Years Ago After Getting Her Pregnant?
For 48 years, I have regretted my behavior in abandoning a pregnant girlfriend. But I have done nothing. Should I now?
We dated during the final weeks of our senior year in college. When she learned she was pregnant, I urged her to get an abortion, because I didn’t want the responsibilities of fatherhood or marriage. She had no interest in abortion and, in the ensuing argument, told me she never wanted to see me again. I used that as a get-out-of-jail-free card, left town for a postgraduate fellowship and never saw her or spoke to her again.
In the half-century since, I made desultory efforts to track her down, to no avail. (She had a very common name and left no obvious tracks.) Now, I believe I have found her. I would like to write to her to apologize for being such a self-centered coward and abandoning her when she most needed support. But she might not welcome such a gesture so late in the game. She has made no effort to contact me, and neither has her child (if the pregnancy produced one). Should I reach out?
Kwame Anthony Appiah counsels the letter writer not to reach out if their motivation is to get forgiveness for their bad behavior. “That would make your desire to get in touch with her as self-centered as your treatment of her was all those years ago,” he writes. “And you should give serious thought to the possibility that you would be stirring up a painful episode from her past.” Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Boss My Team Doesn’t Like Being Pressured To Be At The Office Before 8 AM?
The head of sales promotion at my firm is a self-proclaimed Early Bird. He proudly declares he is up with the birds at 5:30 a.m., and because he lives near our office, he is behind his desk, churning out emails at 7 a.m. Even while we were shut down, he came into the office, holding Zoom calls from the empty conference room. While he says there’s no pressure to respond to those early missives, we all feel compelled to do so. He also holds weekly 8 a.m. Monday morning all-staff meetings, which had been remote but are now in person, with required attendance.
There is no formally stated core hours policy, but I’ve noticed some of my colleagues dragging themselves into the office by 7:30. Before Covid we were a normal, 9 to 5 office, and it being New York, most of us worked until almost 6.
While I understand many employees called back to offices are scrambling to readjust to commuting and in-person work, many of our staff are actively looking for remote jobs. The Early Bird departs at 3 or 3:30, leaving the staff to stay until 6 to complete the tasks left by him along with our everyday tasks. I have a small team of four and they’ve been open about being unhappy with what they rightfully view as extended hours. I don’t want to lose them. Should I speak to the boss, and risk losing his regard, or accept that I will lose my staff?
Roxane Gay encourages the letter writer to talk to their boss. “You are not medical doctors or sanitation workers or morning show hosts,” she writes. “It is absolutely unreasonable for your boss to expect work before 8 a.m. and, dare I say, 9 a.m.” Read the rest of her answer.
